… and the bedroom’s paint-cracked window is cracked open 7 inches – enough to accumulate a small pool of light rain on the hardwood floor. Lying back on an expensive bed with contrastingly old and musty blankets, Ray Beranti feels the coolness of a rainy morning on his bare feet. After a week of touring with a headlining comic, Ray wants nothing to do with productivity. The fact remains that there is much to do.
Leaving the bed, Ray Beranti walks to look out the window and steps in the rain puddle. A slam of the window and a violent gurgle of the stomach. He either needs to crap or eat. Ray decides on a morning crap, and in the case of personal disclosure, we skip ahead to—
11:02 in the AM…
… where Ray trots only 2 blocks from his apartment to the post office. He’s self conscious about his pair of foamy blue “crock” sandals, along with the faded U2 tour T-shirt and plaid pajama pants. It won’t stop him from getting his mail from the past week. Leaving, he is eyed by a younger woman in line. It’s likely she’s a budding comic or fan girl from The Comedy Store. She is about to say something, but stops herself. She probably reminded herself of celebrity sighting etiquette, but Ray is barely a D list celebrity and would not have minded. This works out. Less of a chance of someone asking him about his idiotic footwear.
11:28 in the AM…
… when Ray sits at his circular dining table to sort through mail and eat brown sugar Pop Tarts. Ripping the thin foil, crumbs and sprinkles scatter across a cell phone bill, a wedding invitation, an issue of Creative Screenwriting magazine, and a DVD in a disc sleeve. The cell phone bill reminds Ray that he could easily apply for a direct deposit on all of his bills. It also reminds him of a potential bit, which he feverishly writes on the bill envelope.
Laziness – I’m a homebody and lazy so I never want to go anywhere. I don’t want to GO green with paperless bills. I don’t want to GO for a jog. I don’t even want to GO on dates anymore. Keep the bills coming, I’ll start Wii Fitness, and keep watching porn. Why would I go anywhere? (could tie into chunk about letting life pass me by)
The wedding won’t happen. Ray is performing that weekend at the Irvine Improv. He made a commitment and money is money. He’ll use some of that money to buy a gift worthy of an apology for not attending.
Finishing the dry pastries, Ray wishes he had been less lazy and toasted them appropriately. He opens the refrigerator and discovers a lack of groceries and milk, two days expired. He smells it and smiles, remembering Seinfeld’s bit about expired milk. How do they actually know it’s expired? Do the cows tip them off? A quick swig and he spits it back into the carton with a four-letter word.
12:05 in the PM…
… and Ray has hit inevitable lunch traffic. Ray could care less about the cell phone/driving law. He puts in a call to his brother, Nathan, who has been waiting for a returned call for weeks. Ray keeps claiming “busy” but there’s obviously no excuse. Nathan picks up, and ironically, can only speak for a few minutes, while Ray is freed up. It’s pleasant and ends with a promise of a sequel or rematch by week’s end.
12:41 in the PM…
… as Ray reaches the Intelligentsia Café. It couldn’t be more jam packed with scarf and sunglass-scorn women or Fedora, vest toting skinny dudes with leisure beards. Atmospheric annoyance sets in and he hangs around, pretending to be checking phone messages until a couple exits a table. Ray beats a tattooed girl and her bulldog to the table and rips open his laptop to insert the DVD from the mail.
Ray begins watching, but looks up just as Daryl Burns struts over with his iPad. Daryl plays charades, as not to interrupt Ray and let him know that the victuals are “on him”. Moments later, he returns with coffee and some berry crumble cakes. When Ray finishes, they finally stand for a handshake and “bro hug”. Ray makes fun of the location Daryl has chosen for their meet up. Daryl agrees, then defends it. He asks Ray what he thought of the pilot episode. Ray couldn’t be happier that Daryl got the backing to do a pilot presentation, but Ray remembers laughing when reading the 30 page script. This 14 minute product feels unfunny and abridged. Daryl takes it in, but recites promises made to him – promises Ray has been given in various forms, but knows better from years of experience. They continue to share stories of recent gigs and whom they’ve been meeting with; Ray taking to the screenwriting game after selling a pitch that he and a friend came up with. The success with little groundwork has made Ray feel ill equipped.
Hours pass and Ray reminds Daryl that he needs to leave to do a popular comic friend’s podcast. Daryl’s place in the comedy totem pole shows in his reaction to Ray’s connection. Ray explains that they’re old friends and “came up together”, but Daryl hardly processes it from his fan-made point of view, talking up the podcast and the comical tweets that have made him even more popular. Ray laughs off the Twitter phenomenon and wishes Daryl the best and the promise of another hangout soon. On a professional level, Ray gets very little from his time spent with Daryl, but he enjoys Daryl’s eagerness, work ethic, and the fact that Daryl’s personality is funnier than the stage persona he fights for.
It’s 3:18 in the PM…
… when Ray begins his podcast interview with Freddy G. Freddy started in stand up in New York, became the host of a popular MTV show, and now continues his success with guest spots on sitcoms, miscellaneous hosting gigs, and his ever-popular podcast with a cult following of 20 somethings to 50 who-the Hell’s?
Freddy G digs into the topic of Ray being a mid level comic; a guy who can live off comedy alone, but has never had a hit movie, show, or even stand up special on premium cable. Ray agrees, reliving the strenuous years of mental priorities that no longer flood his thoughts. Running toward the tangential, they make fun of this generation of music. Ray decides to try out his new bit on his taste in music lacking relevance. It’s flat, but leads to a great improv from Ray that he’ll use later. It concerns different ethnicities having potential anthems and how the Caucasian anthem would be uncool, settling on “I Can’t Dance” by Genesis.
The podcast ends on Ray plugging upcoming shows and a small appearance on “Cougar Town”, ultimately making fun of it because it’s a show he would never watch.
By 6:37 in the PM…
… Ray will stumble into his apartment, exhausted from traffic, heavy grocery bags, and a lack of edible fuel. After a day of quick carbs, Ray decides on a chicken Caesar salad with garlic bread. In his first few bites, he realizes he likes takeout and fast food more, and that a wave of disinterest in health has washed over him. He eats half his meal, then crunches a stack of Pringles and heads to the bathroom for number 2 of his number two’s and his first look at the new issue of Creative Screenwriting.
At 10:13 in the PM…
… in the parking lot of The Comedy Store, Ray talks to another comic smoking a cigarette. Ray laughs off being bumped in The Original Room by a drop in from Jeff Garlin. The comic ditches the smoke and they decide to go and watch Jeff.
Ray Beranti is called on at 10:46
He opens, taking a jab at Jeff Garlin. Playful and harmless, but rooted in honesty. He warns of a potential scenario involving “How would he like it if-“ and the audience is with him. Ray does 5 minutes on music, from an older bit on people who collect concert ticket stubs cross pollinating with his new thought on ethnicities having musical anthems. The Genesis “I Can’t Dance” bit is lost on the younger crowd, which turns Ray a little bitter, digging into “their” generation of music. He ends strong with something safe and walks off to collect 15 bucks.
It’s 12:18 and there’s no more day-
-when Ray sits in front of his TV with his lap top. Twitter circles his head like a halo. Daryl Burns is on Twitter. So is Freddy G. As is Jeff Garlin. Maybe even the cute girl from the post office tweets. Ray stares at his empty status slate. He has a solid hour and twenty minutes of material to perform, but now the world only wants 140 characters out of him. Ray wonders if it could be a new adventure. It’ll certainly be a distraction, and a provision for new material.
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Next Time on The Hindsight Bridge: Brooke Pieschke tells the follow-up story to her hilarious “Cheap Shots” (See our May 16th entry). This time, the girls have a run in with the law and a handful of frat boys. Revisit on September 19th for more!
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